These illustrated events of last Friday are true, as far as I can recall. I vividly remember a dream about playing Command and Conquer: Red Alert against my siblings. My sister had just sent in a fair-sized tank rush backed by some sort of train-mounted beam cannon when the alarm went off. I had only had about four hours of sleep, so the rest of the day is sort of a wedding rehearsal blur. At the rehearsal dinner there was an Elvis (impersonator?) that made fun of my glasses. My response was "I have chicken." Because I did. Have chicken. Then I went home and went to bed for thirteen hours THE END.

Last night I didn't have chicken, but that was about the only meat I didn't have. See, I've had this idea for a couple weeks about making some sushi rolls, but with pork in the middle instead of fish. And bacon instead of seaweed wrap. I kept putting it off because I didn't know if I'd be capable of making decent sticky rice for the filling. Last night I had a revelation: rice ain't meat. Why ruin the meat-ness of the roll when ground beef could work just as well. From revelation to dinner was about twenty minutes, and let me tell you something. It was awesome!

I bet all you bastards were expecting a Food Satan story, hm? Too bad for you, my meat-rolls were totally amazing. They came apart a little in the wok because I didn't leave enough slack in the bacon, but they were relatively intact and tasty tasty hunks of meat. I had a side dish of wasabi paste on saltines and cold beer, and I ate like kings.

Monty's Meat Rolls

3 strips of bacon
1/2 pound of ground beef
6 strips of summer sausage/pork
some sauce or seasoning for the ground beef (optional)

Cut the strips of bacon to make six half-length strips. Take small amounts of ground beef and press them into the bacon, leaving one third of the strip uncovered at one end. The bacon may spread a bit as you press down. When you have used enough beef, place your pork/sausage fillilng at the covered end of the strip and roll it up towards the uncovered end. The bacon should be juicy enough to adhere to itself and form a small roll of meats. Repeat five times.

Heat some extra virgin olive oil in a small wok until it has the consistency of water when swirled. Place the meat rolls in the oil -- bacon flap down -- until the beef is browned on that side. Flip. Cooking the bacon flap first should keep the roll intact during turning, but if not it's no big deal. When this side is browned remove the meat rolls with tongs and place on a plate. Serve with whatever side dish you feel like. May I suggest some meat fries and a meatshake? You definitely need to see the lyrics to that song.