What? Oh, yeah, I'm not dead. Keep up, people, we're talking about dying Apple hardware, not my long absence.

Anyway, Apple, and with the knowing of the nothing. I've conveniently summarized my most recent comedic tragedy with AppleCare in Apple's Discussion system. The system is wonkily slow today, so give it time… read it before Big Brother grows weary of its bothersome facts. Follow it up with the worthless advice I received from a Product Specialist today. Oh, and ignore the blathering idiot BLiNK NiNu; he's a n00b, and quite dense… and I forgot the cardinal rule about arguing on the Internet.

But the shipping box is on its way, and then it'll be one week without Galaxy, and if I survive that it'll be another six long months before the same logic board problem (likely) recurs. Yippee?

Mobile Suit Gundam: Encounters in Space: After playing a fun little mecha game like Zone of the Enders 2, Gundam just seems like some horrible fever dream. ZoE usually took place on a planetary body, and always had an orientable "up" and "down". Because Gundam takes place in deep space, it throws in an extra set of controls with ascend and descend buttons. In ZoE, these buttons controlled altitude, and the tutorial in Gundam describes them the same way.

However, the game is wrong. These buttons actually control pitch, not position. Understanding that little fact cleared up a world of problems for me. As did the realization that this game really blows.

It's set in the UC timeline, which has always kinda bored me. I mean, I liked 08th MS Team, but that one got over really quickly. I didn't have time to hate it. But the alternate stories like G Gundam and Gundam Wing, for all their flaws, held my interest. What this means for the game is that we get TONS of different Gundam and Zeon models that all look almost exactly the same. Not that you'd want to use them, because that would mean playing the game over again.

I hate to keep comparing this to ZoE, but...no, wait, I don't hate doing that. ZoE had fast-paced and utterly survivable battles and fairly clear mission objectives (i.e. blow the shit out of everything). Gundam, because it's in space, has a lot of empty room that doesn't even explode. Enemies are tiny specks off in the distance, shooting you with insane accuracy and knifing you in the back. The targeting is completely wonky, and the enemies barrel roll out of it far too easily, which still nailing you in the middle of your rolls.

Which isn't even to say the game is hard. I powered through it pretty easily, only dying to bosses a couple times. It's just not any fun. I don't want to shoot at moving specks in the starfield...if I wanted that, I'd put serious effort into getting X-Wing CD running on my computer.

Mmmm...X-Wing CD...

Sum up: thumb down.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Burrrnssss usss! It burrnnnssss, it freezesss. Cruel GameFly, takes it away! It musn't playss it!

From the lack of targeting, to the backtracking, to the falling off of cliffs (which I don't remember from the movie, oh wait it's at the END you bastards), to the horribly stiff sword animations, this "game" desecrates all that I love about the movie. It's telling that the cutscene they play before the title screen contains no game footage whatsoever. Even the designers were embarassed about this travesty, and they should be.

I tried to play it, really I did. I pulled off special moves, whacked people with sticks, and ran up walls, but there was no joy in the playing. After about two hours I had had enough. Mindless leveling on Xenosaga is preferable to guiding little Jen (with a stick up her ass) across rooftops.

In case I haven't been clear: thumb down. *sigh*...there's really nothing good on the GameFly list for a while. Just cleaning up until the next big quarterly releases.

Damn right, you did.